i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
