If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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