3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
