I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
