you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I want to have your abortion
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
