my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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