We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
