I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
