mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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