You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
jump out the window naked night went bad
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
