I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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