I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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