Got a toothbrush?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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