Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
