They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
