i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Randomize
