A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize