i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
