The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
