I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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