I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
My vagina is officially offended.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
