My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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