I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
