Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Randomize
