Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You know, be my cock's hype man.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
