There is no way he is gay with that hair.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
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