We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
