dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
