How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
