how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
