I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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