I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
