I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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