what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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