I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
