I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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