i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
