I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
