dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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