Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
