how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
