Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
