I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
