I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
