sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
