meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
