So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
