I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
this beer tastes like vomit already
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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