Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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