Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Can I color on your dick again?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
