So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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