I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
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