you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
