If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
