Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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