I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
