girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
