Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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