you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
