I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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