She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
