Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
